When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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