I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
