I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
