My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
