Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
