did you get engaged???
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
