You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
