im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
