Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
