The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize