my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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