On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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