We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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