I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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