Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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