Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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