Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
