I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This is the high leading the old right now
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
