So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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