Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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