My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
