I got chris browned last night
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
