how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
