sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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