i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
