i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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