can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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