I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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