apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
