Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
