Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize