Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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