Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
