Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
