Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
he fucked my hip out of place.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Pants are for mortals
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
