I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize