FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
did you just send me my own nude
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
