i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
