I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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