Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
