i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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