just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
