i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
