hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
