just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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