Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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