so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
