Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
