I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
