I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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