I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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