She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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