I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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