My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
