Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Who died my cat blue again?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
