My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
