wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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